Own

Personalized property management

Thrillist believes in letting the world know what's ours. Unfortunately, standing constant vigil over our possessions can get tiring; and, while the stench of our pee is bio-chemically unique, most people just don't have the skills to differentiate it from their own. Searing our mark with a branding iron, on the other hand, is unmistakable, permanent, and most importantly, fun. To secure your own customized branding iron, Thrillist suggests commissioning one from Ranch Irons, specialists in the art of personalized property management.For $199 or less, Ranch Irons can implement virtually any design into a stainless steel branding head: Your name. Your mom. Even a depiction of Scott Baio during a moment of deep, unguarded sadness. Once you settle on your design, you can accumulate possessions comfortably, secure in the knowledge that your brand will notify borrowers and thieves of the certainty of bloody retribution.Thrillist ordered a "Scowling Mr. T" brand. We use it to:

  • Pity the fool.
  • Decorate other peoples' children and pets.
  • Personalize steaks at parties, then personalize the face of anyone who dares ignore our mark.
  • Designate everything in the fridge as our own -- including the "Special Homesick Meatloaf" our roommate had his mom ship him when he learned he had herpes.

Sometimes Thrillist takes our branding too far. Like when we drunkenly threaten to brand our women, only to have them mace us and run off with the few unbranded objects we have left. But then we just squint tearfully at everything else we own, looking for that angry, mohawked head. When we find it glaring back at us, we think: "Damn, it sure is good to know that all this crap belongs to me."