Lifestyle

StreetWars

Thirsting for a career in contract killing, but lacking in practical experience? Then enlist in StreetWars, raging throughout New York this September. Now in its 3rd year, StreetWars is a three-week mock-murder tournament involving ~150 people, carried out w/ your water weapon of choice: pistols, balloons, Super Soakers, Water Weenies, etc. The game starts when you meet a "Shadow Government"* agent at an undisclosed location. He hands you a target dossier (name, photo, home/work address, etc). You then moistly rub out your victim any way you see fit: from the back of a speeding moped, disguised as a hobo, or through good old-fashioned stalking. Meanwhile, another player'll be cold-bloodedly plotting to ice you. More info:

  • You can sign up as a lone wolf, or form a death squad.
  • Safe zones include the block surrounding your office, bars, and, strangely, bus stops -- though, if you've been reduced to bussing, consider begging for termination.
  • Disputes are settled by the "Supreme Commander" and his comrade, the "Mustache Commander". Assuming you distrust mustachioed adjudication, a digital camera's suggested.

Successfully dispatch your target before getting whacked yourself, and you'll inherit his assignment, and so on, 'til you're the only dry/un-humiliated player left. The grand prize includes cash (around $500) and a handle of Jack Daniels -- which'll help bury your Deer Hunter-esque posttraumatic stress.

*More powerful even than the Pentavrit: The Queen. The Vatican. The Gettys. The Rothschilds. And Colonel Sanders, before he went tets up.