Kill Your Voicemail

Along with flossing, paying your bills, and peeing only in bathrooms, checking voicemail is a hateful source of periodic drudgery. Eliminate this nuisance from your life forever with SimulScribe

SS is a brand new service that transcribes annoying after-the-beepage into text, then delivers it to you via text message, email, or both. Just sign up, record your personal greeting, and the first call you miss will promptly show up as words on your screen(s) of choice -- it's like having a personal secretary, but one you won't sexually harass. Because vocal nuance can be critical, SS also attaches an audio file of the original message, so you can determine whether your butcher called to say "I've got fresh sausage" or "I've got fresh sausage". There's no limit to the amount of data the 'Scribe will store, so go ahead: let the jilted ex record her 70 minute explication on how she plans to "cut you" and you'll have a ready transcript when the police arrive to coax you out from under the bed

The first month is a free trial, so you can give it a whirl and experience what it's like to live a voicemail-free life. After that, you pay per message, but hang-ups don't count -- a time-saver that'll leave you free to scope out the perfect tree to hide behind from dentists and bill collectors, then moistly mark as your own.