Thanksgiving Throwdown

When sharing a Thanksgiving spread with swinish relations, the only way to guarantee a full belly is to eat with lightning speed and single-minded efficiency. We've solicited the advice of IFOCE eater extraordinaires Crazy Legs Conti and Tim "Eater X" Janus, who detailed the face-stuffing techniques that'll get you to full bloat.Utensilize: The pros get themselves a customized spoon. Conti suggests something the size of a garden spade, with a rubber grip -- a tool that'll shuttle quivering food heaps from trough to maw without flying from your gravied grasp.Soak 'N Stuff: The soppier the food, the smoother it goes down. There's no shame in dunking your grub in liquid, whether it be water, gravy, wine, glass of scotch, or bedpan of moonshine.Use Your Whole Mouth: Fill all four quadrants of the yapper: left, right, back, front. Do a Louis Armstrong impersonation with the first few handfuls: stuff left side, right side, then the back of the throat, and only start chewing once food hits the backs of your teeth. Don't be modest: it's only rude if you choke to death.Have a Game Plan: Only grab bird bits with the highest meat-to-bone ratio. The legs are fiascos, but if you get stuck with one, just typewriter nibble the goods off with your front teeth.Know Your Coma -- Then Beat It: Contrary to popular belief, tryptophan only causes drowsiness when taken in pill form. Pure food volume's your real enemy, so keep yourself awake with over-the-counter stimulants like Stacker II or Hydroxycut, ironically, both considered "diet aids".Follow these handy tips and you'll get from table to hand-down-the-pants satisfaction in the blink of an eye -- leaving you with ample time to get your stomach pumped before the pumpkin pie hits the table.