Know Your Body: Gas
Passing gas can be enjoyable, especially when sauntering by the line outside the Gansevoort. But on a date it's typically a bad idea. To help control our emissions, we consulted board certified gastroenterologist Dr. Joseph Brasco, and discovered:Basic Gas Facts:
- The simple but tragically effective formula contains hydrogen sulfide (the rancid part) and methane (the fun, explosive part).
- Food-based gas takes only an hour to develop, so if you order bean and cheese enchiladas, you're living on borrowed time, amigo.
- There's no relationship between volume and rankness -- silent, loud, you'll still stink.
- Avoid milk products (including cream-based sauces), legumes, high fructose corn syrup (sodas), or high fiber dishes.
- Spicy and highly seasoned foods reek worse on the way out than the basics, e.g., grilled meat and fish.
- Ameliorate potential gas production by taking digestive enzymes at the meal's commencement: Lactaid for milk products, and Beano for both beans and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, other crap you'll never eat).
- NYC's meager entrées are your friends. Overeating leads to poor digestion, which then leads to fireworks.
- Grain is your enemy -- so the lighter the beer the better.
- Don't stress out. It speeds up the GI tract, which actually causes gas, or even hilariously violent diarrhea.
- To clear your system, try drugs containing simethicone (Mylanta, Gas-X, Flatulex, etc), which helps stubborn, smaller bubbles merge into larger pockets -- which you can pass during a post-coital "washing-your-hands-while-singing-loudly break".
- Lastly, the position you bunk up in affects the force needed for expulsion, and therefore affects loudness. To pass covertly, lie on your left side. To startle her out of a prosaic dream of marriage, sleep in the decibel-blaring lotus position.
Thank you, Dr. Brasco.