Passing gas can be enjoyable, especially when sauntering by the line outside the Gansevoort. But on a date it's typically a bad idea. To help control our emissions, we consulted board certified gastroenterologist Dr. Joseph Brasco, and discovered:Basic Gas Facts:
The simple but tragically effective formula contains hydrogen sulfide (the rancid part) and methane (the fun, explosive part).
Food-based gas takes only an hour to develop, so if you order bean and cheese enchiladas, you're living on borrowed time, amigo.
There's no relationship between volume and rankness -- silent, loud, you'll still stink.
Avoid milk products (including cream-based sauces), legumes, high fructose corn syrup (sodas), or high fiber dishes.
Spicy and highly seasoned foods reek worse on the way out than the basics, e.g., grilled meat and fish.
Ameliorate potential gas production by taking digestive enzymes at the meal's commencement: Lactaid for milk products, and Beano for both beans and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, other crap you'll never eat).
NYC's meager entrées are your friends. Overeating leads to poor digestion, which then leads to fireworks.
Grain is your enemy -- so the lighter the beer the better.
Don't stress out. It speeds up the GI tract, which actually causes gas, or even hilariously violent diarrhea.
To clear your system, try drugs containing simethicone (Mylanta, Gas-X, Flatulex, etc), which helps stubborn, smaller bubbles merge into larger pockets -- which you can pass during a post-coital "washing-your-hands-while-singing-loudly break".
Lastly, the position you bunk up in affects the force needed for expulsion, and therefore affects loudness. To pass covertly, lie on your left side. To startle her out of a prosaic dream of marriage, sleep in the decibel-blaring lotus position.
Thank you, Dr. Brasco.
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