Even if you can make it to a real golf course, getting scotch-scented advice from a very tan "pro" won't improve your game. For a more scientific approach, join Drive 495, an elite golf gym just opened in Soho.
Drive's goal is to marry your lackluster physique to golf's exacting technique. Your training starts with the AIM-3D, a cutting-edge system that composites info from four sensors to track your swing from every angle. You'll then sheepishly submit your results for analysis by Drive's pros, led by Robert Baker: guru to the great Greg Norman, the great Michael Jordan, and the Michael Douglas.
Next, instead of just telling you how you're screwing up, Drive's staff designs a custom weight and kinesthetic regimen for you. So if a weak left glute's causing you to prematurely rise out of your stance, they'll give you an exercise that'll strengthen your ass. (There are also TV-equipped cardio machines -- which you can jog on, or hire a caddie to jog on for you.)
Once you're as chiseled as, say, Davis Love, III, you're ready for a session in one of Drive's three simulators. These feature on-screen analytics breaking down ball speed, spin, and trajectory, plus a positionable tripod camera that'll capture each swing as you hack through prestigious courses like Pebble Beach, Spyglass Hill, and The Preserve.
Drive's master stroke: an Xbox with "Tiger Woods Golf" ready to tee off. So if after all this you still suck, at least you can pretend to be someone who doesn't.