Food & Drink

Steakhouse Rubric

With the recent openings of Craftsteak and the slightly more under-the-radar Staghorn, plus Wolfgang's Tribeca slated for July, you've got a glut of new steakhouses to rate. Because judging a steakhouse's worthiness is more science than art, we compiled this handy scoring system. Please use it in poor health. STEAK+3 For each person over 2 the biggest porterhouse can feed+3 If options are broken down by the cow's breed, origin, and feed (+1 for each)+1 For every week over 4 they dry-age their most senior steak-3 If menu includes petit filet (<10oz), even if it's free-4 If you leave without getting the meat-sweatsOTHER ENTREES+2 If prime rib requires little trimming, and can be cut with fork-2 If there's no surf & turf +1 If delicious mutton chops are available-3 If there's a menu section listed as "On the Lighter Side", "Healthy", etcSTARTERS AND SIDES+2 If thick-cut bacon's available-2 For no lettuce wedge on menu+1 For every shrimp above four in the shrimp cocktail +1 If creamed spinach is so thick, even furious shaking won't free it from spoonLIQUOR AND WINE+1 For each wine bottle under $40+1 For each bottle over $1000+1 For each multiple of 20 scotches available-2 For the presence of a "specialty" cocktail menu OLD SCHOOLNESS+1 If the dominant motif is "Wood"+1 If you can barely keep yourself from smoking+1 If at least one staffer has vivid memories of WWII SERVICE+1 If you can walk-in w/o a reservation-1 If you can walk-in w/o a reservation +2 If waiter assumes everyone is ordering steak+3 If waiter has a mustache