NYCSSC Dodgeball League
Whether it's out of spite or nostalgia, everyone still loves to terrorize people with stinging, red rubber balls. We suggest you join the NYCSSC Dodgeball League -- a shabby collection of rank amateurs just begging for a good nosebleed.
Even if you have a criminal record, infiltrating the league is simple. You can form a ten-player squad* of athletic friends and violent sociopaths for $750, or pay $75 and get assigned to a group of random, desperate strangers. Games are played in a steamy rec room that reeks of chlorine, body odor and fear.
The journey to the court should prime your survival skills, as you're forced to walk past the center's prison-style showers -- a disgusting breeding ground for crotch-rot and non-consensual lovemaking. We've heard rumors of expert play, but the matches we've seen were completely devoid of coordination or strategy. The level of sportsmanship, however, is comically high -- no one cheats, or attempts the dreaded "penis smash". The gripping action is overseen by a ref who, despite his lofty position, still has a price. Hit someone in the head, and technically you're "out", but when he collapses onto his face, everyone will know who the real winner is.
The icing on the dodgeball cake is the post-match camaraderie, which the NYCSSC supports with drink specials at sponsor bars. If your many flagrant violations get you kicked off the court before expelling all your 4th grade PE demons, at least you'll be able to buy the stuff that got you over your middle school football failures: beer.
*Maximum team size is 14 ($75 for each additional member). At least one team member must be a woman -- convenient if your team is stranded on a desert island en route to the championship.