Food & Drink

Dee's Nuts

Everything's better when it's sexed up. No one gets excited about a carwash until a soapy bimbo is buffing their rims. The Supreme Court was a total snooze until Ruth Bader Ginsburg brought her special brand of seduction to the bench. Now, finally, someone has made snack foods sexy. Dee's Nuts, out of South Carolina, cycles every nut they sell between the breasts of a beautiful woman.For 800,000 years, men have enjoyed nuts, but it took Dee's Nuts' singular vision to master the delicate sex/nut synergy. According to the founders, the saga began when an errant nut flew between the ample cans of a female friend. Someone ate the nut, and discovered the hallowed journey had mysteriously made it tastier. Now Dee's Nuts employs three vixens to "cleavage filter" their nuts before sacking them up and sending them to playaz like you.We had our suspicions too, but an overnight delivery convinced us that Dee's are no novelty nuts. Dee's peanuts are particularly delicious: salt-encrusted and a little smoky, which we attribute to the filterers' 3-pack-a-day Virginia Slims habit. We recommend always having Dee's Nuts on hand for guests to munch on.These days, protein is very fashionable, and with sex coming back into vogue, Dee's Nuts is bound to be a smashing success. Still, we can't be absolutely certain who's really filtering Dee's Nuts. They do taste like Southern D-cups, but it could easily be beefy rednecks in overalls, or, worse yet, nobody. But until Doritos starts shipping Cool Ranch wrapped in thongs, for sexy snacks, Dee's are your best bet.