Moving Heavy Things

Short of taking off your pants, there are two other ways to prove you're a man:

  1. Opening jars
  2. Moving stuff

For help with the second challenge, try Jan Adkins' "Moving Heavy Things", which'll bail out even the most kitten-armed weenie thanks to the insane voodoo of applied physics. Drawing from the ancient knowledge that allowed filthy peasants to erect pyramids and stone henges, Adkins wrote this 44-page explanation of simple levers, knots, and the use of your considerable body weight. Through diagrams and illustrations, you'll learn how to transport a piano, or hoist a truck out of a ditch, with wisdom like:

Never lift what you can drag, never drag what you can roll, never roll what you can leave.

Even if math gives you a seizure, the pictures will tell you all you need to know. After just one reading, you should have no trouble finding a clever way to carry the corpse of that man who laughed as you pantlessly struggled with the peanut butter jar.