New Bose Earbuds

In earbuds, the size of the inner speaker is directly related to sound quality; for crystal clear fidelity, you need to shove something uncomfortably large in your ear -- like an aural anal bead. Bose has long been synonymous with small speakers and giant sound, so who better to take the next step in earbud evolution

Geared specifically toward portable audio devices, the Bose inner-ear headphone uses the futuristically-named "TriPort acoustic headphone structure" to deliver superior sound through a tiny unit. Though miniscule, the drivers still capture deep lows while maintaining a rich balance in quality, much like Tattoo when he screamed "The plane!" in a voice at once cherubic, yet audible to all of Fantasy Island. And ensuring that no sound escapes, they come with three sizes of squishy, high-quality silicone tips for comfortable-yet-snug fits -- perfect for subway rides, or more strenuous activities like jogging or teaching capoeira to underprivileged Miami high school students

Best of all, since you shouldn't feel comfortable buying earphones without trying them first, Bose is offering 30 days of risk-free ear plugging. So snag a pair, and not only will you finally rid yourself of kazoo-quality audio, you'll also be able to use your old earbuds for more size-appropriate activity -- like freaky intimate moments, with your butt.