Fill Your Glass With Ditka

If you're still skeptical about drinking wine for fear of seeming like a dude who's in an intramural croquet league, there's a new winemaker in town. This week, Mike Ditka Wines charge into the hearts of mustachioed oenophiles everywhere

From his years of owning successful Chicago steakhouses, the former Bears coach has apparently gained an enormous appreciation for wine, and has thus decided to branch his merchandising in this direction (as opposed to engineering a genetically superior DitCow). To realize his grapey vision, he last year partnered with California's Mendocino Wine Company to formulate five different blends: a cabernet, chardonnay, merlot, pinot grigio, and "Mike Ditka Kick Ass Red" -- a mixture of zinfandel-syrah and petite sirah so robust, you'd be right to mistake it for blood from Ditka's own carotid artery. Like all MCW vintages, these are organically farmed, so you can be assured Mike Ditka Wines will be of the highest quality and won't contain grapes that were fermented in the pestilent boxer shorts of troglodytic Bears fans.

The wines just rampaged into Chi-town stores at prices ranging from $11.99 for the chardonnay, to $49.99 for the Big Ass'r. Next week they'll become available at Costco and other wine merchants nationwide. Purists may balk at a wine created by a burly, anger-prone former football coach, but they'll soon know the score -- Ditka: 10 gazillion; All Other Wines: 0.