Gorilla Gamer

You've frittered away too much of your life playing Madden solo for the scant rewards you've received: pathetically high-fiving yourself and a total loss of gluteal circulation. Now, you can finally make money from your virtual athleticism at GorillaGamer.com

GG is an online forum where video gamers of all skill levels can meet up and compete one-on-one for cash. Just complete the free registration, and step into the gladiator-like "Challenge Room". At the top of the page you'll see a "balance" link, through which you deposit funds into a PayPal account ($2 minimum to compete). All that's left for you to do is choose among various socially impotent pastimes: sports (NBA Live, Madden, FIFA Street), fantasy (Halo), or confused teenager propaganda (Call of Duty). All play is conducted via each console's proprietary gaming network (PS2 Linux, XBConnect), through which you'll fleece/get fleeced by mysterious individuals who may or may not be 12-year-olds abusing their parents' Visa.

To keep things on the up-and-up, your user-created profile will indicate your win/loss record. Also, if you weasel out on a bet, you'll be flagged by other members, telling the whole world DemonFeces471 is a real deadbeat. You always play "friendly games" for no money, but that'll just leave you with the same payoff as before: hollow glory and a bag of frozen peas under your aching ass.