You've always dreamed of reaching the heights of professional poker, but don't want to lose your job, your friends, and your non-obese status in the process. Head to this year's inaugural Caribbean Conference, and stoke the sputtering flames of your Rounders dream. Part of the World Poker Tour Boot Camp series for amateurs, the ICC gives you five days of all-inclusive (hotel, meals) poker paradise -- and the opportunity to turn pro for a year. You'll spend the first two days sharpening your skills/blunting your mind as you cocktail with poker stars (Antonio "The Magician" Esfandiari, T.J. Cloutier, etc) and attend q-and-a seminars -- perfect opportunities to query the pros about their games (e.g. how they play A/K on the button, sunglass preference, favorite slip-on catheters...). Day 3's time to unveil your mastery at the Season Pass No Limit Hold 'Em Tournament: first place gets invites and buy-ins to 15 WPT professional events (a $157,000 value) -- last place gets peed on by T.J. Cloutier. Get on the ball, fish: The camp is already 2/3 full, and should be sold out by next week. Sign up or you'll miss out on this Mario-esque warp zone, leaving you to half-heartedly toil away in shady card rooms -- jobless, friendless, and too tragically flabby to find where to attach your catheter.