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Wifi Seeker

Living without the internet is an affliction more shameful and crippling than gout. But ever since you got fired for repeatedly pantsing Todd in Marketing, your access has been limited to public libraries, and the private accounts of people you've home invaded. You obviously need a quality WiFi detector to pinpoint more accessible free signals. The best available: the WiFi Seeker, by Chrysalis.

The Seeker is so compact it'll hang from your keychain, right between your vintage "Bartles & Jaymes" bottle opener and your mace. Range is advertised at 300ft barring obstructions -- a stretch, maybe, but unlike your claim to be a "60 Minute Man", it's not too huge a lie. The Seeker also differentiates between usable WiFi signals and useless background noise, so it won't go crazy as you press your nose against the microwave glass to monitor the progress of your Meatball & Mozzerella Croissant Pocket.

Best of all, the Seeker can either give you an instant read, or a constant, directionally sensitive signal that'll grow stronger as you approach "the sweet spot". This feature is especially useful when you're:

  • looking for an apartment from which to operate a low-overhead pee-cam service.
  • lost in Chinatown and needing to double-check your Evite for directions to the illegal no-limit mahjong parlor.
  • a compulsive "self-pleasurer" who can't walk two blocks without visiting sexualtennis.com.

This is emerging technology, so the Seeker sometimes fails to live up to its promises. Still, it does try much harder than its competitors -- fat, lazy WiFi detectors who are addicted to bean dip and The View. Pick up a Seeker to enjoy flexible internet options, and let Todd move back into his loft to rebuild his shattered life.