Tailgating is like "the expression of physical love": success generally hinges on intoxication, meat quality and, unfortunately, effort. That is, unless you hire a professional to do the legwork for you. While your sex outsourcing is none of our business, your tailgating is: "The Ultimate Tailgate Party", a newly unveiled, potentially legendary pig/beer takeout deal from Spanky's BBQ.
Spanky's package allows you to lay back and do nothing. For less work than it takes to grill a pre-cooked footlong, you'll get a king's ransom of magnificent meat: a 30+lb suckling pig*, smoked for 15 hours, plus potato rolls, sauce, and a carving knife, useful for tearing apart the beast, or slashing the tires of Cowboys fans. Spanky's also takes care of tailgating's other requirement by including a 5-gallon keg of Heartland Brewery suds. That's 40 pints, exactly 6 more than Joe Namath drinks to summon the courage to look in the mirror.
Spanky's requires 48hrs notice to make the magic happen. You'll also need a car to get your gorge to the Meadowlands, but during bye weeks and away games a shopping cart will do nicely. But beware: should women see you clattering down the street pushing a feast of pig and beer, your tailgating needs won't be the only legwork you'll end up paying for.