You're not above a top-notch shave, but everyone knows you can't trust a man with a bathroom full of grooming products. Try Beard Lube, the lewdly named, all-in-one shaving treatment from the Jack Black who isn't a rotund comedic talent.
A tube of Lube will save you time, and conserve valuable medicine cabinet space should you ever need room for a lifetime supply of Valtrex*. By combining the three basic stages of a "proper shave" (pre-shave, shave and aftershave), Beard Lube will leave your face resembling the smooth, milky beauty that is Haley Joel Osment.
Beyond consolidation, Beard Lube has other attributes that justify the risk of being seen buying a boutique shaving cream:
It's efficient: A thumb's worth covers your face. With a dripping palm-full, you could Bic a grizzly.
It's clog-free: Rubbing Beard Lube's "silicon technology" on your face keeps your razor clear of stubble, just like rubbing Rick's "silicone technology" on your face keeps your wallet clear of money.
It's transparent: You can actually see when you've missed a spot, essential when you're shearing your Ultimate Fu Manchu, or sculpting your private thatch into a dramatic likeness of Mr. Belvedere.
Granted, there are faster ways to get out of the bathroom in the morning, like, for instance, not shaving at all. But we can all agree that the only person less trustworthy than a product whore, is a man with a full beard.