Lifestyle

Prison Workout

Tired of getting ripped off on gym memberships you never use? Looking for a workout that will make you lean, mean and dangerous? Then try the Prison Workout, the highly effective bodyweight-based regimen endorsed by convicted felons nationwide. The Prison Workout consists of one classic exercise, the "burpee". These beastly squat thrusts are the preferred calisthenics for murderers and thieves, but they're also perfect for your hectic New York lifestyle. You can do them in confined spaces, like your apartment, your cubicle, or a subway car temporarily emptied by extreme hobo BO. Sessions take only minutes, and with no equipment to buy or store, there's no reason not to drop to the floor and begin immediately. In six weeks you'll be capable of springing swift, catlike assaults on friends, enemies, and even tipsy NYU freshmen at Bar None. Simply:
  1. Stand up straight, arms over your head (as seen on Cops).
  2. Squat down, lean forward, and place palms flat on floor.
  3. Kick back feet so that you're in a raised pushup position.
  4. Do a pushup.
  5. Once back in raised pushup position, pull legs beneath you into a menacing crouch.
  6. Leap up to reach Position 1.
To get any respect in prison, a convict performs 20 descending sets* of burpees, but you can get results with only 10. Not only will you see your fat turn into muscle, you'll also notice a distinct reduction in coworkers willing to bend over to retrieve dropped office supplies in your presence. So don't be a bitch. Start the Prison Workout today, and women will want you, men will fear you and gangs everwhere will give you the props you demand.

*Descending set = set of 20, set of 19, set of 18... You can do sidebends or situps, but please don't lose that butt.