Lifestyle

Tompkins Square Fitness

You may know Tompkins Square Park by its former name, The Scariest Place on Earth. What you might not realize is that this one-time heroin tent city has become one of the best and most affordable places to work out with a personal trainer.

Whether you want to get in shape, or just learn to kill people with your forehead, TSP has a guy who can make it happen. These are serious trainers who offer huge advantages over the gym: no membership fees, no contractual commitments, and no drooping, wrinkly genitals swinging between the knobby knees of very old men.

The Tompkins Square lineup:

Basic Fitness:Chad Brigockas347.276.3373
Chad will put you through a hardcore version of grade school gym class. By using bear-crawls, crab-walks and the monkey bars, Chad will make your core strong-like-bull, while giving you the flexibility to accomplish your sexiest fantasies.
$65/hour

Mixed Martial Arts:Roberto Sharpe212.982.6544(pictured right)
This 40-year karate-chop veteran blends fighting forms as diverse as Wing Chun, Tai Chi, and Capoeira. Though Roberto sees martial arts as a path toward inner peace, if you want to skip right to the butt-kicking, he'll oblige by breaking your nose*.
$65/hour

"The 52 Blocks":Jamar Clark917.488.4216
Well-schooled in traditional forms, Jamar's signature style is a self-defense system designed for people fighting in tight spaces or while handcuffed -- perfect for brawls in phonebooths or airplane lavatories.
Rates are negotiable but lowballing means a trip to Jamar's Phonebooth of Pain.

Gyms do have their advantages: you can work out when it's raining and pay with a credit card -- plus you rarely see anyone freebasing on the ellipticals. But if it's results that you care about, the TSP beastmakers have a far better track record of turning boys into men, men into monsters, and monsters into Roberto Sharpe

*We're being serious: Roberto will mess you up.