You never know when you'll be seated next to that special, special someone who'll help you join the Mile High Club -- and if you're not prepared to make the most of the opportunity, you might as well jump out of the plane. That's why it's imperative you keep your love tools on hand by carrying a Mini Mile High kit from Flight 001. The Mini Mile High is the Swiss Army knife of in-flight lovemaking. The "pocket-sized erotic companion" comes with two condoms and a tube of lube -- essential if foreplay is preempted by an incontinent grandmother frantically banging on the lavatory door. The Mini also comes with a personal massager, which, along with your control tower, will take her to a destination several time zones beyond pleasure. Of course, the real challenge of aeronautical hookups is contorting your body effectively in cramped quarters. Here are some facts to optimize your sky-pimping experience:
- The newer the plane, the larger the lav. For instance, the WCs on Continental's 777s are almost 4' by 3' -- room you'll need when you pull in the beverage cart for a post-coital champagne toast.
- Boeing is renovating the lavatories on its omnipresent 737s, adding brighter lighting (which could be good or bad), quieter ventilation and, most importantly, a sink big enough to fit a whole ass into.
- Singapore Airlines is king, with 75% of their jets carrying 56"x41" johns. This is spacious enough for most sexual positions; unfortunately, it's also spacious enough for the flight attendant to burst in and give you a vicious caning.
When it comes to airline lovin', you simply can't be over-prepared. So book a flight, and pick up a Mini Mile High kit -- because any woman gracious enough to submit to your clumsy advances at 30,000 feet shouldn't have to deal with gonorrhea, chafing, or anything less than the best battery-assisted sex she's ever had.