Alternative Energy

In addition to tasting foul, most energy drinks can only offer a few hard-charging minutes before you crash to new depths of miserable exhaustion. Check out the alternative -- Alternative Energy, now available in SoCal.

Created by a UCLA surgeon who's still not afraid to go holistic, AE's time-release formula acts over 6 hours thanks to yerba mate, guarana, and other ingrediants presumably named after cartoon villains. Despite the esoteric recipe, there's a lot AE lacks: carbonation, chemicals, refined sugars, and the need for you to worry that drinking it will cause you to sprout stubby wings, ruining your exquisite hoodie. Most importantly though, AE doesn't taste like butt medicine: the Gatorade-esque flavor balances tangerine sweetness with a yuzu tang -- subtlety that'll be lost on your boss when you sluice him with a cooler-full after successfully closing the Johnson account.

If you're an unnaturally peppy person, AE's parent company also offers a drinkable hangover cure, brain-booster, muscle soreness-reliever, and anti-aging formula. Unfortunately, though, the time-release properties are relevant only to AE, so enjoy them one-at-a-time -- because what could be more dangerous that instantly becoming strong, smart, sober, and childish?