Food & Drink

DTOUR Chardonnay

You're enormously attracted to the kingly dimensions of the box-of-wine, but repelled by its foul contents. Now you can indulge your volumetric fetish in a delicious way: DTOUR Chardonnay*, 3 liters of class, debuting in selected stores today and tomorrow

DTOUR's pedigree obliterates the stigma associated with other cardboard-covered varietals. It's backed by chef Daniel Boulud, and made with grapes from the Macon region of Burgundy, whose terroir is far more prestigious than that of the Coast of Franzia. In short: this is a quality wine -- and once quality's established, the superiority of boxes over bottles becomes undeniable:

They're a better value. Sommelier Daniel Johnnes boasts that DTOUR's use of plastic and cardboard cuts manufacturing and shipping costs so deeply, consumers save a juicy 20%

They stay fresh. Your wine can remain fresh for an oxidation-free month, thanks to the vacuum-sealed bladder. If your bladder could keep its contents this tasty, you'd install a catheter and make merry on your own pee

They're good on the go. When you haul bottles into a BYO, the clanking announces your raging alcoholism at the door. Instead, enter stealthily with this party cylinder, and the amazing cardboard tube will keep your wine perfectly cold for three hours of restaurant-clearing obnoxiousness

While DTOUR might last in your fridge, this is a limited release, so don't expect a lengthy stay on liquor store shelves. Get on the box and you'll be able to flip the spigot on a life of perpetual upscale drunkenness.

*DTOUR plans to unveil a Pinot Noir sometime next year