You fancy yourself a real Thanksgiving assassin, but when it comes to true holiday gluttony, you're a little boy. Not this year. To help you reach true gastrointestinal glory, we spoke with two of the world's most feared competitive eaters -- Crazy Legs Conti and Badlands Booker -- to develop this exclusive feast-demolishing strategy.
Expand your stomach from its natural and inadequate fist-sized dimensions to an awesome, basketball-sized pit. Crazy Legs suggests decimating an all-you-can-eat spread, or acclimatizing your body to turkey by doing a 1/2lb cold-cut "sprint". Badlands stretches his digestive sac with things that'll pass quickly -- like a gallon of water, 10-15 lbs of fruit/vegetables, or a half dozen succulent infant children.
Go light. Consume noodle soups or raw fish. Try your very best to poop.
Do: Prepare mentally by visualizing your goals, or by listening to Badlands' upcoming CD, Hungry and Focused II: The Ingestion Engine, available Thanksgiving Day at IFOCE.com.
Perform calisthenics to rev up your lethargic metabolism.
Sit up straight during your meal as hunching over compresses more gastric real estate than a grasping amateur like you can spare.
Do Not: Eat breakfast or snacks. Yes, this unfortunately includes heavenly toaster strudel.
Eat the marshmallow topping on yams. It expands like foam in your stomach, destroying everything you've worked so hard to achieve.
Bloat yourself with water. Instead, eat turkey au jus or with whatever gravy is remaining after mixing a round of wildly unpopular gravytinis.
Enjoy natural digestive aids such as pineapple or grapes, and take shots of the digestif Fernet-Branca (Crazy Legs calls it "delicious Drano"). After that, you're essentially doomed to fall into a tryptophan-induced coma -- where you'll dream of next year, when you'll reach higher, train harder, and take your game up to the level of these immortal champions.