Own

WinePod

Producing your own wine's the ultimate mark of success, but filling your kitchen with an army of cheerful migrant workers is both impractical, and potentially illegal. Enter WinePod.

The WinePod's a computer-equipped, two-foot-high metal egg/vineyard that yields up to six cases per batch. Any grape will do, but if you buy from ProVina you can watch your fruit ripen on the vine on their Vineyard-Cam -- an inspiring process, provided your life's completely empty. Once you've obtained raw materials, simply flip the lid, dump them in, and the mechanical press will start mashing

The computer wirelessly connects to your PC/Mac, and makes daily suggestions (adjust pH or temperature, add water, "drink me", etc.). If you run into problems, the Pod's networking software puts you in touch with professional winemakers and wine enthusiasts -- you can ask them questions, or send them grape porn

Fermentation time depends on the varietal: Beaujolais can take four months, certain Cabernets up to a year, Fecal Raisin Mad Dog about as long as it takes Dominos to deliver the medium Meat-Lovers you're pairing it with. Of course, any machine that can produce velvety Pinot is going to be expensive -- but well worth it to become your own vintner without risking the INS bashing down your door.