With 24 back for its 121st-144th hours, your total ineptitude at bringing down terrorist cells has once again been drawn into stark and shameful obviousness. Hone your brain and body for a world-saving moment of bearded glory with SpySchool.
The brainchild of Absolution Gym's leggy Amazons, SpySchool's purpose is to make every inch of you lethally fit and capable. Over a period of several months, hopeful assassins learn mid-air acrobatics at a WeHo gym, scale cliffs in Malibu, and unload Glocks into paper targets at a clandestine, undisclosed gun range -- all in the name of pretend-espionage awesomeness. Absolution's top-secret roster of specialists is packed with experts in all the spy fields, from hand-to-hand combat to ice climbing (no word yet on if they got the guy who taught Predator to be invisible).
Certain SpySchool classes (like a Feb 7 Streetfighting Workshop) keep a regular schedule, but to take full advantage of the program's flexibility, organizers suggest putting together a group of friends and customizing SpySchool to fit your specific "needs". Once properly trained, you can look forward to using Bauer-esque skills in your daily life, perhaps even to infiltrate and smash the ring of nefarious youths who've been stealing your mail.