Jr. High Dance

Odds are your prom was a total bust: you were young, your vice-principal was a prick, and your date wore the Rubik's Cube of bras. Give your older, savvier self a do-over at the "1986 Ultimate Jr. High Winter Dance Reenactment and Ricky Schroeder Appreciation Night".Organized by the lovable misfits behind two ultra-non-competitive dodgeball leagues, this event's a perfect, Reagan-era dance party replica -- but one augmented with all the illicit joys you were once forbade. With that in mind, the organizers offer a vice for every high-school clique:

  • Between-class Boozers: liquor (the spiked punchbowl's free before 10pm) and a beer-chugging contest
  • Slobber-faced Horndogs: a 7-minutes-in-heaven room
  • Band Dorks: a set of 80's rock covers from Dolphin Force -- whose performance'll be abruptly terminated when their audience is stuffed into lockers
  • Popularity Hounds: a King and Queen of the Dance contest complete with crown, scepter, and a chance to publicly grope the bitchiest girl in school's still-perky ass

The dress code is tongue-in-cheek strict -- ties for guys and prom dresses for the girls, who hopefully won't relegate you to your real 1986 ritual: flipping from Silver Spoons to Family Ties to masturbate to Tina Yothers.