Schapiro's Kosher Winery
Whether you're Jewish, have Jewish friends, or are impersonating a Jew on J-Date, to prepare for Passover tonight you need kosher wine. Instead of the typical ketchup-thick sugar-juice, rush over to the Essex Street Market and pick up a selection from America's oldest kosher winery, Schapiro's
Schapiro's was founded in 1899, under the unnerving slogan "Wine so thick you can cut it with a knife". They eventually went beyond their sweet, sweet roots to produce 32 varieties, many boasting normal viscosities and sucrose levels. Stop by their stall and you'll find Chablis, Burgundy, Vin Rose and Blanc de Blanc -- the crème de la crème of wines with which you're allowed to commemorate the dissing of Pharaoh.
All Schapiro's wines are given a Hebraic thumbs up by Rabbi Y.Y. Spiegel, the name to trust when it comes to OK'ing alcohol with God. Also biblically compliant is their sale of half-cases ($30) -- as evidenced by cleverly worded Genesis 9:21 ("[Noah] drank of the wine, and was drunken"), drinking too much is cool with the Big Guy.
If you're actually thirsty for traditional, diabetic coma-inducing Jewish wine, Schapiro's Concord Grape fits the bill, and they also offer several dessert wines, blended with cream. Regardless of your tastes, go now: Schapiro's is only open 'til 4pm today, after which they're hurrying home to get blessedly bombed.