Grilled Cheese Invitational

Maybe you can't make a sumptuous quiche, but years of bachelorhood/being fat have made you a ruthless grilled cheese ninja. Prove your worth at this year's "2nd 4th Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational"

GCI 2X4 was organized by Burning Man vets, whose inability to confine their burning to Nevada inspired them to launch LA's premiere cheese-on-bread battle royale. Since the field of GC is a rich and varied one, the competition's organized into three needlessly sexualized categories

Missionary Position: Standard bread, cheese, and butter -- in other words, what you had to look forward to at the end of a day of elementary school, minus the tender exploration of your pubescing body, and Duck Tales

Kama Sutra: A savory competition, using exotic or standard bread, cheese, and butter. Entries've ranged from the luxurious (one using truffle butter), to the drippily terrifying (a rice-for-bread grilled cheese sushi)

The Honey Pot: The same ingredient rules as Kama Sutra, but put toward the noble service of dessert. Surprises have included brie, macadamia nuts, and Chambord, but as yet no one's shown the audacity to include choking piles of FunDip dust

Aspiring melt-munchers should hit the free event for the chance to sample and judge contestant's glorious 'wiches; aspiring melt-masters should register online now, as it's limited to 60 entrants and closes on Thursday. But be warned: the competition's fierce, with none fiercer than "Old Man Jarlsberg" -- who already knows his withered body inside and out, leaving him nothing to do but grill cheese since Duck Tales' unfortunate cancellation.