Exercising's a necessary drudgery, something you do because fat people are gross, not because you're inspired by the prospect of adding an inch to your left lat. So finding a gym that kicks your lackluster motivation in the nards is a must. Check out IronFlower, a new gym/dojo in the Flatiron District led by Taho Husain, a West African Mr. Miyagi
Taho and his acolytes will keep your jowly head in the game by teaching you extraordinary skills. Skills like Aero Jump, which allows you to jump 8-12 feet in the air from a standing start. Or, if you're really looking to impress the ladies, there's Iron Skin, an ancient and closely guarded secret that literally makes your skin tough enough to withstand broken glass, metal blades, and certain Revolutionary-era firearms
If you're sickened by the prospect of working out in a chain club filled with thumping bass, sweaty meatheads, and moldy lockers, you'll be happy to know that IronFlower is wildly upscale and serene. It's a luxurious version of a Shaolin temple, with opulent details like flowing waterfalls, bamboo walls, and the sort of exotic muzak that ordinarily would drive you to assault your waiter, but here gently massages your inner peace. They also have towels
When you enroll at IronFlower, you could get a reasonably priced weekday-daytime package, but since there's nothing like a cash outlay to jack up your commitment level, go with the Titanium Membership: 25 personal sessions with The Master, a full physical/spiritual analysis, plus unlimited access to the facilities and classes... for $10,000 annually. Or you could stick with the gym you hate too much to visit, rent The Karate Kid (I, II, III, and New), and let your manboobs sag down to the ground.