Safe Bedside Table

Imagine how impressive your apartment would look arted-up like the MoMA. Then imagine horrible, scary robbers targeting you for your high-priced finery. Now you can upgrade fearlessly with art that protects itself: The Safe Bedside Table, from the museum's SAFE: Design Takes on Risk exhibit, recently made available to paranoid collectors in a limited run of 100.The SBT is British designer James McAdam's fearsome response to a survey suggesting 50 percent of Londoners feared for their lives whilst sleeping. Made with cherry wood and nickel-plated steel, the Safe Bedside Table appears to be minimalist furniture -- at least until it's broken down into its component parts:

  • Tabletop/Shield: Use to fend off blows from an assailant. Convenient handles ensure that even if you lose, he/she will have to pry open your cold dead fist to make off with this objet d'art.
  • Table Leg/Bat: Bludgeon anyone into senselessness with this sleek truncheon -- a far more effective pain-rainer than your universal remote.
  • Base/Base: Reminds you where to reassemble your table after your bed's been stolen and your berserker home defense has destroyed everything else in your apartment.

In the future, McAdam is considering bulletproofing the shield and adding a tabletop reading lamp/high intensity light beam to turn your enemy's eyes into screaming balls of pain (seriously). But even in its current form, the SBT will allow you to start accumulating other expensive pieces -- secure in the knowledge that if anyone tries to take them, aesthetically pleasing justice awaits beneath several back issues of Juggs.