Handcraft your girlfriend a Valentines Day present, and you'd get points for originality and effort, not to mention save cash. Since you're not exactly a beast with crochet, we've secured a heavy discount at the upscale, do-it-yourself jewelry shop Femmegems. Because even mentioning a place called Femmegems could leave you unable to pee standing up, we also arranged free beer*.
For three nights leading up to V-Day, 'Gems is meeting with men looking to please their women in new, alarmingly thoughtful ways. The process is simple: a 'Gems staffer grills you on your girlfriend; nothing personal, just questions that'll determine what'll make her look good, instead of fat-necked, poor, or sickly pale.
You then choose from a variety of high-class rocks, which your staffer helps you string together -- necklace, bracelet, anklet, breastlet, whatever. Sessions range from thirty minutes to 1.5 hours. Sounds like eternity, but throughout you'll be tilting back cold ones and scarfing wings. Bring a friend for moral support, and he'll also eat and drink gratis.
To further ease your pain, Femmegems is cutting 15% off your bill during these sessions. Total cost ranges from $50-$500 (less the discount), depending on the depth of your love, or the depth of your guilt over cheating. For a nominal fee, the store even does the stringing and clasping for you. If you go the lazy route, don't worry about your girlfriend barging in demanding the truth. 'Gems owner Lindsay Cain assured us her girls can skillfully back up the story that you did all the manual labor. Ultimately, that's a far more valuable talent than jewelry making.