Because I Can't Be Beethoven

Performance art tends to be sanctimonious and perplexing. To add a potent shot of awesome to the aforementioned awfulness, stop by the ten-hour spectacle "Because I Can't Be Beethoven", happening tomorrow

BICBB is a glimpse into the treacherous mind of Parris Patton, a classical aficionado frustrated by his own total lack of musicality. In an arresting spectacle of sour grapes, Patton dealt with his shortcoming in a manner most psychiatrists would deem "completely batsh_t": by encasing an antique piano in a 26,000lb block of ice. On Saturday, he'll crane in the "sculpture" and attack it with various tools, including a sledgehammer, ice pick, and his chafed, atonal hands. Once the instrument is exposed, he'll seek sweet closure using alcohol, glue, and propane to burn it to a crisp (no word yet on requests to use John Tesh as kindling)

As with any piece de resistance, BICBB would be incomplete without grilled meat, which is why Patton invited Fireside Barbeque to dish up pulled pork sandwiches, sausages, and baked potatoes to gaping onlookers. Between the meat and the catharsis, the only thing you'll find lacking is an open bar. But come on, get serious: this is art.