Ever versatile, eggs can be enjoyed by everyone from the youngest children to the oldest seniors, specifically on that sophomore who thinks his Xterra belongs in their lot, just because he starts on the lax team. Using them for something arguably even cooler: The Egg Man.
Drawing on over 30 years of shell-carving experience, which seems like a lot, The Egg Man uses modified dental drills to delicately cut intricate designs into the drained, hardened ova of everything from quail to emu, all from a home workshop tucked into the Virginian hamlet of Spotsylvania, presumably so-named for its abundance of vampire dogs. Because egg-portraiting is the highest form of flattery, he's got celeb likenesses including a smooth-grinnin' Hank Williams, a rhea egg (it's like an ostrich, apparently) with a snarling Elvis, and President Obama staring into the distance on a goose egg, probably chosen as a commentary on what his green energy initiatives have produced thus far. Non-portrait, bad(ass) eggs include an awesomely bold, awesomely bald eagle fronting a waving American flag, a moon-howling wolf whose fur has been rendered in incredible detail, a total wraparound job of Mt. Rushmore, and an Orientally themed design of two interlocking fish dubbed "Koi Dance", which would also describe basically every one of Tom Delay's performances on Dancing with the Stars. He knows what he's working with.
Lest the bird feel even worse than it already does about being flightless, he's also just begun using huge ostrich eggs as the canvas for more abstract designs, like seemingly never-ending swirls -- which is also what that sophomore has coming. Get out of our courtyard!