Join the Resolution: DavidBartonGym

Even if you've recently started eating your feelings over the potential censorship of free-streaming Japanime, that doesn't mean you can't still achieve your New Year’s resolution of a sleeker, svelter you -- because the slimming sages at DavidBartonGym are here with an exceptional incentive to get you back on track.

Sign up now to snag a complimentary first-time workout at one of their luxe locations in New York, South Beach, Chicago, or Bellevue, WA (coming soon to Los Angeles and Las Vegas). Become a member before Jan 31st, and you won't pay any registration fees for access to the tutelage of world-class trainers, first-rate yoga sessions, fitness classes, and a body-centric atmosphere infinitely more stimulating than those charged packs people buy on TV that do scary things to their abs.

Still unsure? Sample the amenities with that free workout, and regardless of what happens with the internet, your physique will be stream-lined.