They won't pole-dance around these questions

Published On 03/23/2012 Published On 03/23/2012

Since all you ever wonder about at a strip club is what those girls really think about the "No Touching" policy life's greatest quandaries, your favorite Physical-Challenge-taking email newsletter bit the bullet and went to The Penthouse Club's grand opening with enough Sacajawea coins to get those (and more) questions answered, courtesy of six clothes-removing professionals. Start feeling smarter in 3... 2... 1...

Whiskey or Bourbon? Jordan: Neither... but I love Scotch. Simea: [While housing a beef slider] You mind if I eat during this?

Obama or Ninjas? Simea: Obama... as a ninja. Nikita: I'm Asian, so I gotta go ninjas. Jordan: Yeah, ninjas, they have those nunchucks that look like dildos.

Pogo Sticks or Skip-Its? Jordan: Oh, [places hand on Thrillist's thigh] I'm definitely more of a pogo stick type of girl.

Mario or Luigi? Jasmine: [Staring at Thrillist's feet] What size are your shoes? Jordan: I like Luigi, he's green. Simea: Ugh, they both have plumber's cracks.

Striptease or Showgirls? [Jordan gets up and wanders away] Nikita: Striptease. Are you kidding me? Showgirls is f***ing stupid, like, just really bad acting.

Twilight or Hunger Games? [Jordan returns!] Nikita: Twilight. Shaunette: Twilight. Jordan: ... I'm hungry.

"Jesse's Girl" or "Stacy's Mom"? Nikita: "Stacy's Mom". I mean... I'm gonna be her someday.

Unicorns or Leprechauns? Jordan: Unicorns 'cause... they have horns!

Bloodhound Gang or Pussycat Dolls? Jordan: [Singing] You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel... Jasmine: Pussycat Dolls. I know a thing or two about p*ssy.

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1. The Penthouse Club 412 Broadway St, San Francisco, CA 94133 (North Beach)

Clothes-removing professionals do their best to wow you, while you spend way too much $$$ on drinks, and too much time searching for a way out.