Absorb this etiquette the way the skin absorbs SPF 15; reapply as necessary

You're already mostly naked. Follow this guide so you won't make a gaffe that'll expose you even more.Do: Throw the pigskin around.Don't: Run jerky patterns like you used to start at wide receiver when everybody knows you were a backup equipment manager.Do: Bring something to read.Don't: Bring a financial periodical. If you were so important you couldn't miss a few hours of news, you'd probably own this beach.Do: Help a lady apply sunscreen.Don't: Assume her asking for help means she wants to bear you a son.Do: Write inappropriate phrases on sleeping friends with the aforementioned sunscreen.Don’t: Misspell the inappropriate phrases. Illiteracy is far more embarrassing than [insert inappropriate phrase here].Do: Wear a mankini.Don’t: Believe everything you read.That's enough for now. Now throw on your knee-length board shorts and go have some fun.