When the sun sets on a NFL-ers career, there are plenty of well-beaten paths he can follow: become a commentator, open a sports bar, sell feminine products -- you know, the usual. But plenty opt for more creative endeavors. Purple-People-Eater Alan Page is a Minnesota Supreme Court Justice. David Klinger is an Old Testament professor at Dallas Theological Seminary. Then there’s Bob Golic, whose early '90s morning television stardom is proof that God is indeed good, and thinks long, curly mullets are truly badass. With all this in mind, here's where some of today's greats could wind up:
Current Occupation: Quarterback, Chicago Bears
Second Career: Bodybuilder
Jay Cutler don’t care that his leadership deficiencies have causes his linemen to hate him and Chris Chelios to burn his jersey, because Jay Cutler secretly knows that in 5-7 years he'll be excelling in a competitive platform better suited to his pumped up sense of individuality. That's right: Jay Cutler is going to become…4-time Mr. Olympia Champion…Jay Cutler.
Current Occupation: Placekicker, San Francisco 49ers
Second Career: The Next Queen of Rock ‘N’ Roll
Just like Tina Turner, Akers is an old person with incredible legs. Or at least leg.
Current Occupation: Quarterback, New Orleans Saints
Second Career: The Second Coming of Tony Robbins
Much like the advice-slinging titan, Brees knows what it’s like to overcome adversity, sell millions of books about overcoming adversity, and make on-screen cameos that help over-eaters overcome adversity (Brees was on Biggest Loser, Robbins did Shallow Hal).
Current Occupation: Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks
Second Career: Undersized Hollywood Manager with a Heart of Gold
Everyone assumed that relatively tiny Russell Wilson would be overwhelmed by the NFL, just like they assumed actually pint-sized “E” from Entourage (Wilson's favorite show) would be overwhelmed by, like, Jamie-Lynn Sigler or something. Also, while Russell Wilson legendarily drove the 17 hours from Richmond to Madison just to pick up a playbook early, E once sat 17 hours in LA traffic to pick up a script that was probably way less entertaining than that playbook.
Current Occupation: Punter, Minnesota Vikings
Second Career: Law Clerk for Forseti, Norse God of Justice
He's definitely not afraid to defy and hilariously insult the powerful for the sake of egalitarianism, and he's a Viking, which seems pretty Norse. He's also already familiar with the realm of the mystical, in that he plays a ton of World of Warcraft using the character “Loate”, a rogue troll. Are rogue trolls allowed to clerk in the Norse court system? Who knows, but if they aren't, Kluwe will write scathing columns until they are.
Current Occupation: Quarterback, New York Jets
Second Career: Tony Award Nominee for Best Supporting Actor, Musical
We learned during the 2012 Tony Awards that the man some call “Sanchize” and others call “Flincher” earnestly loves him some musical theatre. His current predicament -- staving off a photogenic virgin from usurping the affections of gruff but well-meaning beast Rex Ryan -- is so rife with theatrical suspense, it's got Tony (Sparano) written all over it.
Current Occupation: Wide Receiver, Philadelphia Eagles
Second Career: Disgruntled 1990s Television Diva
Also surrounded by equally talented stars, Jackson's cash squabbling and generally super-pleasant personality recall a Charmed-era Shannen Doherty, whose feud with Alyssa Milano, refusal to sign a two-year contract, and personal problems (whose husband files a restraining order against them?), ironically led to her achieving the dizzying enlightenment of ultimate knowledge.
Current Occupation: Wide Receiver, San Francisco 49ers
Second Career: Celebrity Food Critic
Randy Moss didn't even need to taste that caterer's food before his expert palate determined that it tasted like... something Randy Moss wouldn't serve from his kitchen, that's for sure!
PAUL + PAT MCQUISTAN
Current Occupations: Offensive Linemen, Seattle Seahawks, Arizona Cardinals
Projected Career Paths: Movie Stars, The Parent Trap, 2012
Imagine this: Disney wants to make an adult version of the 1998 Parent Trap remake, but after deciding that their original red-headed star was simply too much trouble they opt for these much hotter red heads, thereby saving millions of dollars in split-screen technology. This movie is going to be so good.
Current Occupation: Quarterback, San Diego Chargers
Second Career: Reality TV Father
Already a father of six, Phillip Rivers' openly stated beliefs on “child-having” destine him for a life of patriarchal superstardom on a top-rated TLC reality show in which he attempts to teach 28 kids (and counting!) the evils of talking Phillip Rivers-like trash to Jay Cutler.