Because you can't wear LA Gear Regulators to every BSSC speed hiking mixer, fit yourself out in a pair of real man boots, like the kind worn by Oregon loggers in the '30s and on display this Friday night at Ball & Buck Newbury's suds-infused Stumptown soiree.
First, take a seat on the couch, then quickly implore everyone to stand and remove their trendy headgear while you recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
This is the only time you can get these Grouse Hunting Boots with a breathable Gore-Tex lining, so do that, and worry about learning to bird whistle later.
The Art of Manliness is a book you should quote from in your manliest East Lexington accent while partaking of their gratis Four Roses Bourbon cocktails or dark craft suds.
Or just prove you're a man by snatching all of the charcuterie off the plate at once and stuffing it into your North Face "for later".
Also only available for a limited time are these full-grain leather Mountain Light Lownsdales with "hand-crafted stitch-down construction", something that likely wasn't going on at the manufacturing plant that created those '91 LA Gears.