Like with climbing a sheer rock face, even something as exhilarating as Summertime can be improved with a few choice purchases. From hyper-advanced beer cups to stupidly awesome conveyances, here's everything you need to make this the Summer of Loving That Thing You Bought on the Internet.
The Beer Pouch growler
This Capri Sun-like beer growler is way easier to fit into your Super Friends lunchbox. Also: were they called that because they were your friends, or because they were friends with each other?
The Chill Puck
If you can't get off the can, chill it with this thing, possibly designed by Jaromír Jágr.
This phone-holding cup
"Hey, Steve, what's up. Yeah, I'm at Lollapalooza so I can't hear you, but what's awesome is that I DON'T HAVE TO PUT DOWN MY CUP IN ORDER TO NOT HEAR YOU."
A Floating Bar!
"Of all the above-ground pools in all the backyards in New Jersey, she dives into mine."
The Cool Smile cooling hat
No longer will you walk around with a Ziploc full of ice strapped to your head by a bungee cord.
The Sandwich Bike
It comes in a box and you assemble it yourself, neatly combining your "Summer project" with your "Summer tooling aimlessly around the neighborhood on a bicycle".
The EcoBoomer iGO
On second thought, bikes are old news. Unicycles that are impossible to tip over are the future.
The Predator Helmet
For your Summer motorcycle road trip, or your new-style unicycle -- even though it doesn't tip over, you could still run into a branch from a very short tree.
The Headblade ATX body shaver
Don't hide your beach muscles under unsightly body hair! Oh. You're less muscular than we presumed. How quickly can you grow that hair back?
"What's that Steve? You're actually drinking out of your iPhone? THAT'S CRAZY. I MUST BE MISHEARING YOU BECAUSE I'M AT LOLLAPALOOZA."
The Sons of Trade satchel
Stashes gadgets during Summer travels. Keeps cords untangled. What else do you want, a 24-karat gold puppy that turns into an airplane?
Epiphany smart sunglasses
The built-in HD video camera will mainly film people gawking at how good looking you are in these not-obviously-hyper-nerdy sunglasses.
The BACTrack smartphone breathalyzer
This Summer, don't jet-ski under the influence.
The Stump Cooler
"Sure, officer, if by 'open container' you mean NATURE".
The HDMI Pocket Projector
Summers at the drive-in have sucked ever since the communists came in and closed down all the drive-ins. Recapture the magic by finding any flat surface for an outdoor screening of Red Dawn.
Heat-sensitive clothing from Radiate Athletics
This stuff glows neon when your body heat rises due to intense physical activity. Or just because it's July.
The Uniterra Nomad
Question: What Summer picnic is complete without espresso? Answer: none Summer picnic.
The Sol Survival Kit
If you get lost while camping, this thing will help you find your way, catch food, and kill Evil Kevin Bacon.
The Pocket Band
At long last, you can skinny-dip without having to go full Pulp Fiction Christopher Walken with your keys.
Slussen portable DJ kit
Did those bastards miss your Friday DJ set at that bar that lets you DJ? Then unleash the fury on them at the Saturday BBQ with this anytime/anywhere wheels of steel substitute.
The Hot Tub Boat
Lakewater is gross because fish pee in it.
The MyCube Safe
Making sure your stuff doesn't get stolen by Airbnb-ers has never been so stylish.
You know when you jump in the pool and forget your earbuds are in because you've heard that new Drake song so many times you're not even hearing it anymore even though he slipped in a bitchy line about how he banged your girlfriend? Now that's not a problem.
Use your anger over not having Summer Fridays to fuel a workout that'll let you build a rock-hard beach body while sitting on your ass at the office.
The LoungePac Chair with cooler and speakers
Then when you finally get to the beach, sit on your ass again.
The Carapace Wetsuit
Perfect for watersports, especially professional floating.
This is how Army veterans do flip-flops. You know, in case you were wondering how Army veterans do flip-flops.
The Monster Water Cannon with 100-foot range
When your Summer house party turns into a Summer house riot, this will disperse your guests!
The Tree Tent
Tree house? Tree home -- i.e., someplace to move to get away from all these gadgets.
The UE BOOM portable boombox
Funnily enough, Layne Staley refused to listen to anything but Candlebox on his water-resistant portable speaker.