Lifestyle

Keep your flask hidden inside legendary books about boozing

If print isn't dead, it'll need its stomach pumped: each of these $50 to $65 classics has swallowed a flask.

There are no "answers" in Dad's Book of Answers. Or a father with three kids, full-time job, and endless mortgage might argue therein lies the one answer to everything: grain alcohol, made to be shot straight from the flask.

But sometimes when things are really rough, dad needs to turn to Dad for a little guidance. And it's in the Holy Bible, coming through deep pulls of red wine.

The Godfather might make sense to be your go-to safe for the cocktail made from Scotch and amaretto, but we'd prefer to keep it really Italian with grappa or sambuca.

The Beatles: A Biography isn't so much a place to stash alcohol, but rather a perfect hiding spot for that Bhang Ki Thandai or Sardai (weed-laced milk) you're tripping on, reliving the good ol' days when Sgt. Pepper was coming through the transistor radio waves and things were just grooooooovy.

This repackaging of Alcoholics Anonymous feels a little, er, dark, so we're going to go ahead an encourage you to keep O'Doul's in this one...

Islands in the Stream, the first of a couple posthumously published works by Ernest Hemingway, only calls on one liquor to keep it company: rum. But be sure that it's lots and lots of it, though. Papa liked himself some rum.

Ah, and then there's War and Peace, the Leo Tolstoy epic. As it warmed Russian spirits as they dealt with a an overtly aggressive tyke of a tyrant — it's not called a "Napoleon complex" for nothing — and general sh*t-like weather conditions, a nice flask of vodka ought to keep the douchebag of a boss and unfavorable Home Depot days at bay. Now only if there was a fix for that jackass Putin.

That's not to say we don't have jackasses of our own. Just in nick of time for the government shutdown, get yourself a hollowed-out copy Miracle at Philadelphia: The Story of the Constitutional Convention. Probably a pretty Patriotic read evoking really strong sentiments which might be in line with a bourbon of sorts, but for now, with them running roughshod over our budget, any alcohol will do.