NFL Kickoff: 8 tailgate essentials for the 2013 season

With the season kicking off tonight, possibly the greatest American tradition is finally upon us: excessive drinking (and eating). So stock up on these tailgate essentials, and get ready to Sunday Funday. Oh, and there’s football on after — if you’re into that.

JamCooler - $450
Yes, elevated surfaces are awesome — but until all 100 cans in the JamCooler have been consumed, keep off. Oh, you can’t hear me from up there? Maybe that’s because YOU’RE STANDING ON 600 WATT JBL MARINE SPEAKERS. That’s right: 10 hours of power, 30-foot Bluetooth connectivity, and UltraTherm insulation to keep ice for up to five days.

Bitter American - $8.99 (Six Pack)
Now that you’ve got all that space, fill it up with 21st Amendment Brewery’s Bitter American. This top-notch session ale is low enough in alcohol content so that you can comfortably drink all day — or uncomfortably if you choose — while boasting a high dosage of hop and malt flavor, so that you don’t feel like you're lapping at the dregs of a keg.

Chill Bit - $20
Due to the utter badass-ery of you and your friends, your JamBox is now completely empty, and lightweight Randy over there has been too busy playing coozie-catch to restock it. Luckily, the Chill Bit might just be the manliest tailgate accessory yet, not because it’ll chill a warm beer in under a minute, but because you literally get to bring out the power tools. One end of the chill bit clamps around the lid of your beer, while the other gets all up inside a cordless drill. After 45 seconds of spinning in ice water, you’ve got yourself a cold one.

Blacktop 360 Party Hub Grill-Fryer - $250
The picture kind of says it all on this one, but just so you’re sure: yes, the Blacktop 360 is an all-in-one tailgate-cooking machine. Its outer ring has over 400 square inches of grill, griddle and warming plate, and to top it all off, the center is a deep-frying oasis.

Top Dawg Hot Dog Machine - $135
While some people may like eat undercooked hot dogs every once in a while, the unexpected pink sausage can really ruin a party. That’s why you need the Top Dawg Hot Dog machine. Not only can it cook 18 dogs at a time, but its stainless steel rollers are constantly working so that instead of playing grill master, you can be chucking around our next product: the football-coozy hybrid.

Amazing Flying Coozie - $9.95
There comes a time in any man’s tailgate where he is forced to choose between holding an ice-cold beer and throwing the football. With the Amazing Flying Coozie, you can do both. Not only will this ingenious contraption keep your drink cold, but pop the beer out and you can toss it around like an ol’ pigskin. We prefer to keep it in though: think Vortex, but instead of that annoying whistle, a trail of beer spouts in its wake.

Handmade Ceramic Growler - $62.95
If you’re into ceramic growlers, it’s easy to assume you aren’t into organized sports. But for the seemingly rare crossbreeds out there, this Handmade Ceramic Growler (made in Portland — surprise, surprise) is a must-have for your next tailgate. It can hold up to 32 ounces of Coors Light, or your Double Bag Long Trail, and keep it cool and carbonated while you wait for your favorite team, Arsenal, to take the pitch. Wait, American football? Just go root for the Browns because, you know, winning is so mainstream.

The Wine Rack - $29.95
And finally, the accessory no man really wants at a game: your wife. (It was a joke honey, we want you to come.) But if she’s going to be there, why not make her an irreplaceable asset? Introducing the wine rack, essentially a camelback bra, all for 29.95 — only half of NipTuck season one on DVD!