The iPhone 5C and 5S are here

The Apple keynote is finally wrapping up with a performance by Elvis Costello, because that completely makes sense! The bottom line is that virtually everything that is new about the 5C and 5S had already been leaked over the past two months, so there really weren’t any surprises. The gold/champagne model, for example: true. Continue freaking out. But let’s roll through this as it happened:

The 5C stands for “color,” but we think it means “cheaper,” and also “China.” This is the affordable version of the 5, and it’s coming out in a multitude of pastel plastic casings. But their lower price (if you are on contract) will mean that you can purchase the 5C 16GB for $99 and the 32GB for $199. Apple’s emphasis on the 5C’s availability in over 100 countries leads us to believe that this is the phone Apple will use to just completely take over the world. What remains unanswered from the keynote is just how many features from the decked out 5S will be available on the 5C.

So, the 5S. Three colors: champagne, silver, and space grey (or as we call it: black). Apple’s major selling point for the 5S is that it will be the most secure mobile device on the market. How? Fingerprints. They’ve nixed the classic home button (R.I.P. square in the center), and instead of swiping to unlock your phone you’ll place your finger on the home button through their new feature "Touch ID" to access your phone and buy things through the app store.

The camera on the 5S has been majorly overhauled, and the results look damn impressive. The third major upgrade is the A7 chip which makes it the first phone to have 64-bit processing. What does that mean? It’s way faster. The graphics are better on games. The 5S (under contract) will be $199 for 16GB, $299 for 32GB, and $399 for 64GB, which was the same pricing for the iPhone 5 when it was released. Oh, by the way, the iPhone 5 is completely dead. They’re phasing it out. But the 4S lives! And if you’re under contract, a 8GB 4S is free. So maybe it should be named the 4F.

But Apple! What about the battery life? The 5S will apparently be virtually the same as the 5, which was supposed to work for 10 continuous hours on WiFi and 8 hours of talk time on 3G, but anyone with an iPhone can tell you that was never the case. We just want to open Instagram without the battery draining in 30 minutes.