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Top 5 Tips for the Perfect Umbrella

There is a point when everyone outgrows the $5 disposables that magically sprout from street corners like toadstools in a drizzle. Here are the five things to consider as you enter rain-thwarting maturity.

  1. Go Big: Carrying an umbrella is a binary condition: you are either carrying one or you aren't. Embrace the former and get a full, walking stick-sized affair. However small a compact one may be, it won't fit into your pocket, so you're toting it same as a big boy. That is until you donate it to a taxi, because the unobtrusiveness intended to mitigate its nuisance only serves to mitigate you remembering you have one.
  2. It must be expensive: Though 'brellas may surpass even sunglasses as the most frequently lost accessory, you must counter-intuitively spend a lot on the right umbrella. It's not even that the cost translates into quality; high cost itself is the point. If the loss of the umbrella doesn't financially gall you, you will 100% lose it.
  3. Pay attention to the handle: This is the part with which you will have the most intimate relationship. Cheap out, and your tactile experience will be that of flimsy plastic. Each time your hand brushes the rough seams left from the molding process, you will die a little.
  4. No golf umbrellas: Are you currently playing golf? Then no golf umbrella.*
  5. Ignore the cover: However tidy the cover may make it look, you will lose or quickly abandon it, so evaluate your options raw-dog. The cover is like the umbrella version of cereal's "part of this complete breakfast" presentation. Only the criminally insane eat buttered toast alongside Crispix.

*Apply rationale to hats, shirts, shoes, pants, and carts unless you're Van Wilder, in which case... you are hilarious, bro!