Virtual Boy, KISS LaserDiscs, and more of eBay's most ironically overpriced wares
It is shocking -- shocking -- how much money eBay fiends are willing to pay for things that should never have been made in the first place. From the worst way to watch the worst movie KISS ever made, to the dumbest form of transportation ever, these 12 certified pieces of historical crap add up to a whopping $63,616.83, or more than three Google summer intern stipends.
Designed by Gunpei Yokoi, Game Boy's creator, Nintendo's first foray into true 3D gaming ended up a headache-inducing, red LED on black background mess whose only accurate simulation was of "The World of Buyer's Regret". Seriously, this thing was so bad that not only did Yokoi get the boot, but the dozens of kids on the receiving end of this hunk o' junk were probably like: "Huh, maybe I should get some fresh air." Chilling
Taking inflation into consideration, the $600 price tag is still over double what Virtual Boy cost in 1995. But whatever, have at it. You'll need a game though...
Are you ready to find out how much some low-life's charging for a Virtual Boy not named Haley Joel Osment?
Nester's Funky Bowling
... so why not keep the terrible decision-making streak going strong with a purchase of Nester's Funky Bowling, clocking in at a whopping three grand. The game features the one-time Nintendo Power mascot who somehow never caught on going head-to-head with his twin sister -- Hester -- in a heated, and allegedly funky game of bowling. In the words of Nancy Pelosi: "WHO CARES."
Virtual Boy Lapel Pin
Just in case no one will accompany you back to your bachelor-forever pad, you should brand yourself with a $500 scarlet letter of misguided nostalgia and fiscal irresponsibility.
Whole bunch o' weirdness: A) It's weird to remember that Philips Electronics once took a stab at the home console market, but then that's basically what Sony did with the PlayStation. B) It's weird that anyone would pay $950 for the system best known for producing the worst Zelda games in history (more on that in a second). And C) It's beyond weird that, after taking inflation into account, the CD-i would've actually cost $1100 at its 1991 launch, which'd make this exorbitant eBay price tag kind of a steal, if the thing were worth stealing.
Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon
Got 20 grand? Hate yourself? Well, here's one of those horrible Zelda titles we just mentioned. This game's the
love child malformed hate-sex spawn of a deal gone awry: Philips had been contracted to develop a CD peripheral for the Super NES until Nintendo ultimately nixed the idea, but not before Philips nabbed the rights to use characters like Mario, Link, and Zelda on its new piece of hardware.
Don't believe the hype? Just watch this. Mindblowingly awful. Nancy Kerrigan said it best: "WHY."
(Damn, the Nancys are on a roll today.)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
$240 may seem excessive -- even after taking inflation into account, it's over double the 1982 release's $49.95 price tag -- until you remember what developer/publisher Atari paid for the ill-conceived movie tie-in: $100-million, an 80% loss that nearly ruined not only the company, but the entire video game industry at the time. There were so many unsold Atari 2600 cartridges, that all they could do was bury the unsold inventory in a New Mexican landfill.
Thank God someone dug up this copy. One man's trash truly is another man's treasure, ha ha ha! This game's terrible.
Initially, and prophetically, sold as "DiscoVision", this soon-to-be outmoded method of making fun of Waterworld can be yours for only $749.99! What else are you gonna do, burn the money?
(Please just burn the money.)
Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park
But then you won't be able to take in this masterpiece. Probably the only item on this list that warrants its insane price tag, if only to see KISS unwisely decline to use stunt doubles to perform their martial arts moves.
Sure, $500 can buy a "real" camera, but wouldn't you rather spend it on the Transformers triad -- Spectro, Spyglass, and (ugh) Viewfinder -- who together form a single, actual-size camera that can neither shoot pictures nor missiles? In the words of Nancy Reagan: "Just say no."
(#TeamNancy 3, Haters 0)
Batman no. 29
"Look Batman, no hands!"
"Look, Robin, no dignity!"
Thanks to inflation, that 10¢ on the cover actually comes close to the $2,200 eBay price tag. Oh wait. It's only $1.39 in today's money. Congratulations, you just paid 2,198.61 unnecessary dollars for a picture of the "winning team" riding penny-farthings.
Why not just funnel all the money towards an actual $29,000 penny-farthing, a.k.a. the Betamax of turn-of-the-century two-wheeled transportation?
DIY Razor Scooter
Or how about this $5k "Mike Gyver original", which features Razor scooter wheels attached to "naturally distressed and aged American plywood". An offer like this only comes along once in a lifetime -- never if you're lucky!
Well, if you managed to make it through this slideshow with all $63,616.83 intact, congratulations! You're a functioning human being.