In the internet age, danger lurks behind every corner, whether it's identity thieves who'll destroy your credit, or cyber-bullies who'll kick sand in your Facebook. Out to shatter your virtual love life, No First Date.
Answering the question "what happens when a 28-year-old guy makes a profile of a hot girl on a free dating site?", FTD's run by a Seattle marketer who conducts online-dating opposition research by entrapping men with the promise of romance, sex, and occasional acts of freakiness, then terrifying them with verbal abuse and poems involving shoving them in a trunk and burying them in the desert. Some sterling examples (No First Date is "Girl"):
To a professed outdoorsman, explaining why they're not a good match (response includes sketch): Girl: Well...truth be told I met with my psychic today and she had some interesting and revealing information. She said a bearded man would come into my life... quite possibly of Middle Eastern descent, though she could not confirm nor deny that. She said he would seem nice, fun, and harmless... but he would bring me terrifying nightmares through his manipulation of my mind. She then sketched an image and well... don't you notice a resemblance?
After Steve admits "I play poker with my boyz (buddies) for fun": Girl: Gambler huh? I used to be hooked myself. How long have you had an addiction? Boy: just dibble dabble in it. just 4 fun. do you have inst. message on yahoo? Girl: I could refer you to a great gambling counselor. He's one of the best. Charlie Sheen, Charles Barkley... all the stars go to him. His name is James McCraig and his email is email@example.com.
To Steve, from "James McCraig", on whether or not Steve does have a problem: Based on the details she's told me... your history of obsessive compulsive behavior, waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, a tendency toward taking out your aggression on small animals ... I would have to say yes.
But the most sadly telling entry involves a guy asking if No First Date's alter-ego is "for real":
Girl: Am I for real? I've never been asked that question. Well to be honest, yes and no. I'm not actually the girl you see in the profile. That's a friend of mine. I'm a 28-year-old guy who created a profile of her to see what guys are willing to say or do... or flaws they might look past... to go out with a hot chick. Boy: You are real! Sweet. I love a girl with humor :)
Or do you?