They say honesty is the best policy, although most 49ers fans would argue that it's Carmen. For work from a chick who wants to help you send the brutal truth, check out Snarky Cards. From a 31-year-old self-proclaimed "bar psychologist" who needed some tabs paid, Snarkys're postcards featuring child-like, watercolored "outsider art" (read: admittedly crappy) meant to lull the receiver into a false sense of security before delivering a brief handtyped, potentially painful, sex-related message, "like Haiku with a surprise ending", which could result in someone wanting to Basho head in. Among her roster: fan faves like "F*** you and your f****** feelings", or an "It's not you it's me" missive ending with "I'm the one who thinks I can do better", plus a greeting rocking a pink unicorn that explains to your girl being uptight in the right spot allows you to overlook that she's "bat-sh** crazy", though how she got into collecting Dark Knight action figures and sippy cups is anybody's guess. She also trots out seasonal notes, currently including V-Day love stuff like the word "slurp" beside a suggestion to "break my face with your thighs", the saucily sincere "Having hot, dirty sex with you makes my heart sing!", and another sweet nothing proclaiming "You're my favorite whore! Never settle down!", even though you know Charlie Sheen says that to allll the whores. But it's still nice to hear. While most cards are available for purchase online, you can regularly find Snarkys at various local bars and clubs, like Southeast's Gold Dust Meridian and Downtown's MuMu's, being sold by the maker "from a box beneath her boobs", unlike Carmen, whose box forced him to look at them through binoculars.