Sex & Dating

85 Reasons You Got Dumped in Chicago

Published On 10/21/2015 Published On 10/21/2015

They say that breaking up is hard to do and, in Chicago, the reasons for dumping someone can be as unique as the snowflakes you’re tired of still seeing in April. While some breakup lines are typical and others bizarre, here are 85 reasons to dump someone -- or get dumped -- in the city. And yes, those quotes are real-life submissions of things Chicagoans have actually said during breakups.

1. “I just can’t see myself dating a Northsider.”
2. Your relationship simply wasn’t strong enough to survive six hours at the city impound lot. 
3. His ultra-traditional family won’t accept you because at some point over the last 500 years, their ethnic group went to war with yours. 
4. “I’m too allergic to cats to continue dating you.”
5. She moved back to Michigan.
6. “You know I can’t stand visiting ‘Downtown.' Why is it such a big deal for you to just keep driving out to my place in Oakbrook every night?”
7. She dumped you on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend because she wants to be “free to explore other options” aka “free to explore every boat in the Playpen.”
8. He decided that being a contestant on The Bachelorette was more important than your relationship. 
9. “It’s too cold out to keep visiting you. I really like you, but I’m just not a ‘winter’ person. Also... I might be coming down with a cold.” 
10. She left you for someone who didn’t think “dressed up” meant a polo with basketball shorts. 
11. You mocked her accent one too many times. 
12. You’re guilty of leaving your Pomeranian’s poop lying in the middle of the sidewalk.
13. You absolutely suck at driving in the city. 
14. Your vegan lifestyle forced him into the arms of a meat-loving steak-head.
15. You had the nerve to suggest that another city might be slightly superior to Chicago. BLASPHEMY
16. Your diet is anything from a drive-thru. 
17. She read your Disqus comment history all the way back to your angry teenage years. Not pretty.
18. “You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.” - A guy who quoted Pee-wee Herman during a breakup
19. You believe encased meats are the devil.
20. You won tickets to Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals and took your best friend instead of him. 

LISA MARIE CHATROOP/Thrillist

21. It’s not you... it’s your neighborhood preference. 
22. “I have ADD when it comes to boys.”
23. You made the mistake of admitting that getting a house in the suburbs is part of your five-year plan. 
24. “I know you love your job (as a CPS teacher), but you just don’t make enough money.”
25. You lied about liking his annoying, slobbery, why-is-he-sleeping-with-us-every-night dog. 
26. She refused to speak to you ever again after meeting your family. You probably should’ve warned her about admitting she’s a Cubs fan... 
27. “No offense, but you don’t act ‘ethnic’ enough for me. I didn’t go drive out to the city hoping to find a *suburban* girl.” - A guy from Mundelein
28. You told him that you had an early morning tomorrow... but then he busted you at $2 drink night at Hydrate. 
29. You confessed that for the first three years you lived in Chicago, you thought that “Old Style” was a chain of bars. 
30. “I’m really sorry, I can’t date you anymore. There’s a war going on in Yugoslavia.” 
31. You ruined his excitement over finding the Tamale Guy by lecturing him about the dangers of E. coli. 
32. Your fear of taking the bus was endearing at first... until it wasn’t. 
33. You keep pronouncing Toews as “toes.”
34. You have anything less than the utmost reverence for the Chicago flag.
35. "You know how sometimes you associate a smell with a bad memory? It's not necessarily a nasty smell, but whenever you smell it it makes you think of that painful time in your life? You're kind of like that for me."
36. Cardinals fan. 
37. Things got too Romeo and Juliet when his nonna heard your last name and growled something about your grandmother being a no-good neighborhood floozy.
38. “I really like you, but this relationship is too complicated. You live in Wrigleyville and only have street parking.”
39. He asked you to come visit him in his perfectly nice South Side neighborhood and you responded, “I don’t want to get shot.”
40. You’re closing in on 30 and still sharing a house with six of your Alpha Fappa Deltoid brothers.

Flickr/Drew Domkus

41. You’re basically the adult version of Michelle from American Pie -- just replace “band camp” with the name of the Big Ten university you graduated from five years ago. 
42. “I’m not ready for a serious relationship... well, one with you, anyway.”
43. You told her that you live on the North Side of Chicago. You actually live in Gurnee. 
44. You had the nerve to suggest that Chicago-style thin-crust pizza is a ripoff of St. Louis-style pizza. 
45. “I really like Chicago, but my dream is to move back to Iowa and take over my dad’s farm.”
46. You think that life in Chicago begins in Lakeview and ends in Wicker Park.
47. You take pictures with random bottle service girls every time you go to a club because you think it makes you look like a stud.  
48. Your favorite summer street fest is Taste of Chicago. 
49. You forced him to pay for ridiculously short cab rides all winter long because boots and a winter coat didn’t really go with your outfit. 
50. You’re separated by three miles and more than two CTA transfers. 
51. You asked who Mike Ditka was.
52. You chose Flying Lotus over Paul McCartney at Lollapalooza. 
53. You’re the jerk that ghosted her best friend last year. 
54. You refuse to get a smartphone.
55. You’re the type of person that walks down the street with your face in your cellphone, walking into everyone -- even traffic -- along the way. 
56. Your idea of good, authentic Italian food is the new Olive Garden.  
57. You accused her parents of being NIMBYs because they’re concerned about the gentrification of the neighborhood they’ve lived in for the last 38 years. 
58. The only time you’ve ventured west of Western Ave was to go to the airport. 
59. You lied and told her you own a boat because you thought it would impress her. 
60. Packers fan.

Flickr/Quinn Domdrowski

61. The only date idea you could ever come up with was #NetflixAndChill... and you use the hashtag when you suggest it. 
62. You matched with her best friend on Tinder nine months into your relationship. No wonder she looked familiar.
63. You asked what house music is.
64. You’re a comedian so all human interactions are just bits.
65. You made the mistake of complaining about unions to her father, whose car just happens to be covered in “Union Yes!” stickers.  
66. You started dating after meeting at TBOX.
67. “You probably shouldn’t spend so much money on helping homeless people since you don’t even make that much to begin with.”
68. His parents in Winnetka convinced him that you’re not a suitable girlfriend because you grew up on the Northwest Side, proving that life on the North Shore really is like a John Hughes movie. 
69. Half your Facebook posts are complaints about Chicago weather.
70. He saw your GrubHub order history and was mortified. 
71. You were never able to take a vacation with her because all of your vacation days were spent on Bulls away games.  
72. “I love you, but I just can't deal with your awful lifestyle. I mean, you work in a cubicle for God’s sake! That’s not the kind of life *I* want to live.” - A 32-year-old unemployed musician living at home
73. Your weekend agenda is Moe’s Cantina, John Barleycorn, Sluggers, Big City Tap, and basically every other bad decision bar in Chicago. 
74. She dropped you like a hot potato the moment her old college boyfriend moved to Chicago.  
75. “I want to run for mayor of Chicago in the next 10 years or so. I think we can both agree that you’re really not the best option for a politician’s wife.”
76. You see nothing wrong with taking up three parallel parking spots. 
77. You once dated his best friend from high school. Six degrees of separation? In Chicago, it’s more like two. 
78. You made the mistake of exclaiming, “It’s been 30 years. Get over it!” in response to his latest monologue about the ‘85 Bears. 
79. You use your obnoxious talking GPS to guide you everywhere... even the neighborhood grocery store.  
80. You have high-end foodie tastes, but can’t cook at all.
81. You re-gifted... on your anniversary.
82. He got sick of having to stop and play street photographer every two blocks for your “outfit of the day” Instagram posts. #annoying #overit #whyareyouInstagrammingyogapants
83. Your Saturday afternoon road rage is so bad, it convinced him that you have deep-seated anger issues. 
84. You’re still waiting for him to text you back... six months, two weeks, five days, two boxes of Kleenex, and one missing person’s report later. 
85. You mention that you could see yourself living in New York and this time you’re not bluffing.

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Lisa Chatroop is one of the founders of Chicago-based lifestyle blog Daily Urbanista. Contrary to what this blog post may lead you to believe, she absolutely hates breaking up with people. Say hi to her on Twitter via @Chicagoista or @DailyUrbanista.

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