Coffee dates were invented for a reason
“When I first started using dating apps, I often made the mistake of agreeing to dinner on a first date, not realizing that escaping dinner is much more difficult than escaping a quick coffee. Like with Question Guy. On our date, Question Guy asked: ’Do you believe in God?’ ’What do you want to name your kids?’ ’How many surgeries have you had?’ -- all unprompted, and all before the appetizers had arrived.
"I don’t think I’ve ever ordered and eaten tapas so fast in my life, just in hopes to hurry and get the hell out of there. Question Guy was relentless throughout the meal. ’Aren’t those the same pants you wore in one of your profile pics?’ (they were). ’When was the last time you got your hair cut?’ (ummm... ) ’How are you still single?’ (because I keep agreeing to dates with weirdos like you.) When the date ended and we stood up to leave, he of course ended with the classic, disappointed question: ’Oh. How tall are you?’”
-- Landis W., 32, Bucktown
We haven’t done anything bad and yet we still don’t want to see you, dude
“Exactly two years ago, I made my first foray into the rabbit hole that is Tinder. One of my first matches was a 26 year old military guy, who I met for drinks after work. I’d barely had a chance to sit down before he hit me a rapid-fire inquisition about my job, my family, and my hobbies. After answering around a dozen lightening-fast questions, I needed a break, so I decided to turn the tables. I went for the most generic first date question: I asked him what he did for a living. Strangely, I was met with complete silence.
"Finally, he answered, ’I’m trying to think of a response that won’t scare you’.
"’Mafia? Mob? Hit man?!’ I wondered. After a bit more silence, I probed a bit further: ’Can you tell me in summary? Just a few words?’
"’I’M THINKING!!’ he screeched.
"There was another long silence, and then he began his first tirade of the night: ’I don’t want to tell you too much. I don’t know you! Why would I share personal information with someone I just met?!’
"’Um... because we’re on a first date and that’s what you do... share information about ourselves,’ I responded. ’But, you know, whatever, tell me what you want.’
"’Fine,’ he answered. ’Let’s just say that if you ever did anything bad, you wouldn’t want to see me... ’
"Ooookay. In an attempt to make things less awkward, I changed the subject, and thankfully, our conversation started to flow a bit better for a short while. All smiles, I said, ’It’s a good thing I told you to be open at the beginning; we’ve had fun!’ I was met by more silence, and then... outburst number two:
"’Who do you think I was for the last hour? Do you think I was faking it?! I’m genuine! How rude of you to think differently!!!’ He yelled.
"I was cowering, highly embarrassed because he was making such a scene in public. I whispered that he was making me uncomfortable, which only resulted in more ranting. Blessedly, the bill arrived and he demanded that I give him a card to pay half. I happily obliged, glad to just be getting the hell outta there. We signed our receipts in complete silence, and it was incredibly awkward. Then, out of nowhere he looked up (seriously, this was the best part of the whole night... ), looked me straight in the eyes and said, ’What’s your favorite animal?’
"Me: ’Uh... I don’t understand... ’
"’I’M JUST TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!’ he bellowed.
"When we parted ways, he gave me an awkward handshake. As I was running down the stairs to the train, he yelled after me, ’MILITARY POLICEMAN!!!’”
-- Ashley C., 33, North Center
Who doesn’t love a good revenge profile?
“I matched with this guy on Tinder and was immediately smitten. We hit it off rather well, and eventually ended up meeting. He was gorgeous, a total sweetheart, was very successful (he worked in real estate -- a nugget which will become important later).
"More importantly, we were actually having an amazing conversation! He was completely different than any other guy I’d met on Tinder -- in fact, it had been a long time since I’d actually made that type of connection with a guy. Before we knew it, it was closing time, but it was clear that neither of us were ready to part ways. He hesitated before suggesting we go back to his place and watch a movie. And with that, it was decided: I was going home with Mr. Tinder.
"However, we didn’t have sex; instead, we spent hours and hours spooning, giggling, talking, holding hands, and kissing. By the time morning rolled around, he was very insistent that he see me later that day -- unfortunately, I had other plans that I couldn’t break. He kept trying to pull me back into bed and by the time I left his place (which was a very impressive condo, I should add), it almost seemed as if he might be ’the one.’ Unfortunately, he ghosted me, and I never heard from him again. However, that’s not the weird part.
"A few months later I was browsing Tinder when I happened to stumble upon a different profile for Mr. Tinder: same photos, same basic information... except this profile had been created by a woman to warn other females about him. According to the profile, she and Mr. Tinder dated for a few months -- in fact, they had been dating when I went on my date with him. He charmed her in the exact same way that he had charmed me, going out of his way to push the relationship along quickly, getting very serious, very fast. She explained that there were red flags -- signs he may not be who he said he was, clues that perhaps he was cheating -- but she brushed them aside because he seemed like such a ’perfect’ guy. She remained blissfully ignorant... until he totally flipped on her.
"In the profile, she explained that out of the blue, he asked her if she thought his brother (who was much older) was attractive, to which she replied that he was a good looking man. This caused Mr. Tinder to explode into a bizarre jealous rage so unhinged, she fled the apartment. After a few days, she tried to reach out in hopes of reconciling, but he responded by dumping her. She arranged to stop by his apartment on a certain day and time in order to pick up her belongings. When she arrived at the day/time he had selected, he refused to answer her texts or calls. She could tell he was home and was just playing games, so she jumped over the gate and knocked on his door... and that’s when cops came. He called the cops and claimed she was a stalker. Unfortunately for him, she had saved the conversation in which he agreed to meet her in order to pick up her things and the police sided with her and escorted her inside to get her belongings -- much to his anger.
"Months later, I was on the hunt for a new apartment and happened to stumble upon one I liked. I was just about to call... until I realized that it was HIS listing. Out of curiosity, I looked at his agency’s website, and found ’his’ condo listed. In fact, it appeared that it had been on the market since before we met, meaning that odds are, the impressive, nicely-decorated condo he took me to was actually a client’s, not his. In short, ’Mr. Perfect’ was actually a smooth talker, a liar, a user, jealous, hot-headed and possibly a sociopath.”
-- Eloise P., 33, Rogers Park