The Health Nut
Neighborhood: Silverlake. Or Venice. Or both.
Part-time man-bun model and full-time male yogi, he has “eating clean” down to a science. Weekend hikes in the Hollywood Hills and Malibu Canyon and monthly yoga retreats, he dedicates his every waking moment to improving his body and “transcending” -- a practice that apparently necessitates $75 distressed linen drawstring pants. You didn’t even know linen could be distressed!
Your first date: A communal freegan-scavenged dinner in an alley Downtown where everyone is named “Milo” and “Steph”
The breakup: After trying and failing to convince yourself that quinoa and black beans are as good as a burger, you cave and get In-N-Out. In the drive-thru you write a pseudo-spiritual breakup text about how your relationship has run its course and return to your life of moderation and semi-regular bowel movements.
Neighborhood: City of Industry
While not technically part of Los Angeles, you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone with more regional pride. You can tell from this LA skyline tattoo on his forearm and how loud he plays “California Love” on his phone sans headphones while walking around literally anywhere.
Your first date: A Raider game-viewing party at his cousin’s place in Pomona
The breakup: You’ll finally call it after a huge blowout fight the day before your sister’s wedding when you tell him his Puig jersey isn’t acceptable wedding attire.
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Devon Henry is a native Angeleno. Part-time writer, full-time dinosaur, and a weekend swamp hag. Find her on Twitter at @DevasaurusRex.