Sex & Dating

Here's What Happens When You Send 40 Unsuspecting Guys a Preemptive V-Pic

Published On 11/18/2015 Published On 11/18/2015
Cole Saladino/Thrillist (edited)

I'm single. I live in LA. I'm on dating apps. And unsurprisingly, I get more unsolicited dick pics than you could ever imagine. Out of nowhere, the straight-guy selfie takes over my phone screen like virtual unwanted morning wood. 

Let’s be honest: while I enjoy penises, I don't necessarily want unexpected visual boners intruding on my day. I wondered, "What would guys do if I turned the tables and sent them an unexpected vagina pic?" And so, in my own twist on revenge porn, I sent 40 unexpected vagina pics to men on Bumble.

The method:

First, I had to find the perfect vagina pic because the only people who see mine are men I'm intimate with (and, duh, my gynecologist). I searched the Interwebs, and after extensive research I have to give props to straight guys and lesbians -- vaginas are like fingerprints except you really don't know what you're going to get. After a lot of "Whoa!"s and "Oh my!"s I found a vagina that somewhat matched mine (correct skin tone!) and seemed "cute” (even if it's some other lady's secret garden, it'd better be attractive). 

Next, I loaded the dating app Bumble, which lets you send photos to your matches within the app rather than via text. If I was going to send vaje pics willy-nilly, I didn't want to have too many weirdoes knowing my phone number. 

I made my search parameters wide -- ages 22-60 (I didn't want to give an older guy a heart attack) and up to 50 miles in the LA area. I swiped right on every man that popped up and matched with about 100. I sent out a blanket, "Hello handsome," note since women need to make the first move on Bumble. And then I waited.
 

What happened:

For the three guys that responded quickly, I flirted aggressively and hit them with the v-pic after four to five messages. I braced myself for, "Hey, why'd you send that?" or "Whoa, where'd that come from?" Instead, I got three very lengthy... porn descriptions of what they'd like to do with that virtual vagina. 

I didn't know what else to do, so I wrote, "Send me a pic." And boy, did they. Three dick pix: two erect, one flaccid. Of course I took screenshots.

I decided to up the shocker ante and hit the next crop of guys with the v-pic after initial hellos. Four guys asked me what I did for a living, my guess was to determine if I was a pro or in porn.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

One guy asked me if I was real.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

One guy was an art critic towards my faux vaje pic.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

One sent me a picture of his dog.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

One guy sent me a dick pic and a link to a YouTube video of him doing slo-mo karatay.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

Another responded with emojis.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

Eight guys asked to see more.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

Three sent me shirtless photos (lame).

I got 10 dick pix, including one that included a, um, happy ending. (Note to men: please don't EVER send that unprompted. KThanksBye.)

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

An Australian wrote to me like an old elementary school pal.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

Still frustrated I hadn't totally freaked anyone out, I decided to send a v-pic as soon as we matched. No hellos. No commentary. Just wham, bam, that's my little ma'am!

Of the 10 that I sent, only three guys failed to respond (no word on how active they are on the app). The other seven wrote what they'd like to do to me and asked when we could meet.

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

I wondered if I was just clueless about a secret lady trend. I asked five of the most responsive guys if they'd ever received a v-pic.

Only one had.
 

Conclusion:

Of the 37 guys who communicated with me about my v-pic, every one of them wanted to meet me, regardless of age or location. Most blew up my phone with descriptions of what they'd do to my body, specifically to the fake vagina I found on the Interwebs. 

Courtesy of Kerry Quinn/Bumble

One guy gave me the best compliment of them all.

In the end, though, I didn't end up meeting any of the guys and unmatched with all of them. I don't think we'd be able to just meet for a drink after a v-pic. After all, how do you come back from a level of pseudo-intimacy generated by a fake body part? You don't. 

Overall, I was surprised that I didn't get my, "Gotcha!" moment. I'd initially hoped the guys would see how invasive it is to receive such intimate photos from a stranger. When I'm excited to get to know a guy, his penis isn't the first part of him that I want to know. But given that men like to send dick pics, I suppose their enthusiasm for v-pics makes sense.
 
In a strange twist, though, I did feel empowered, although in a much different way than I expected. Men were clamoring to meet me, which is a great feeling even if it's not for the right reasons. I’ll be honest: even though it wasn’t mine, I stood a little bit taller for a few days all thanks to the fact that, uh, guys love v-pics.

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Kerry Quinn is a blogger for The Kerry Diaries and writer based in Los Angeles. In between making dick pic collages, she's writing a collection of humor essays. Follow her at @kerrydiaries and @kerrylquinn.

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